confessions
  1. toplam entry 6645
  2. takipçi 1
  3. puan 117998

your congratulations

imgoindeeperunderground
supposed former infatuation junkie albumunden alanis morissette sarkisi.

i wouldn`t have compromised as much.
so much of myself for fear of having you hating me.
i would`ve sung so loudly,
it would`ve cracked myself.

i became so selfconscious of anything exuberant.
i wouldn`t have sold myself short.
i wouldn`t have kept my eyes glued to the ground.

if i had`ve known my invisibility would not make a difference,
i would`ve run around screaming proudly at the top of my voice.
i wouldn`t have said it was in fact luck,
i`m talking idealism here.

i would not have been so selfdeprecating,
i wouldn`t have cowered for fear of having my eyes scratched out.
i wouldn`t have cut my comfort off.
i wouldn`t have feigned needlessness.
i would not have discredited every one of their compliments.

it was your approval i wanted.
your congratulations.

would not come

imgoindeeperunderground
if i make a lot of tinsel then people will want to.
if i am hardened, no fear of further abandonment.
if i am famous, then maybe i`ll feel good in this skin.
if i am cultured, my words will somehow garner respect.

i would throw a party, still it would not come.
i would bike, run, swim, and still it would not come.
i`d go traveling and still it would not come.
i would starve myself and still it would not come.

if i`m masculine, i will be taken more seriously.
if i take a break, it would make me irresponsible.
if i`m elusive, i will surely be sought after often.
if i need assistance, then i must be incapable.

i`d be filthy rich, and still it would not come.
i would seduce them, and still it would not come.
i would drink vodka, and still it would not come.
i`d have an orgasm, and still it would not come.

if i accumulate knowledge, i`ll be impenetrable.
if i am aloof, no one will know when they strike a nerve.
if i keep my mouth shut, the boat will not have to be rocked.
if i am vulnerable, i will be trampled upon.

i would go shopping, and still it would not come.
i`d leave the country, and still it would not come.
i would scream and rebel, still it would not come.
i would stuff my face, and still it would not come.

i`d be productive, and still it would not come.
i`d be celebrated, and still it would not come.
i`d be the hero, and still it would not come.
i`d renunciate, and still it would not come.

(bkz: supposed former infatuation junkie)
(bkz: alanis morissette)

ur

imgoindeeperunderground
burn the books they`ve got too many names and psychoses
all this incriminating evidence would surely haunt me
if someone broke into my house
suits in the living room
do you realize guys i was born in `974
we`ve got someone here to explain your publishing
we know how much you love to be in front of audiences
hopeful you are
schoolbound you are
naive you are
driven you are
take a trip to new york with your guardian
and your fake identification
when they said "is there something anything
you`d like to know young lady?"
you said "yes i`d like to know what kind of people
i`ll be dealing with"
precocious you are
headstrong you are
terrified you are
ahead of your time you are
don`t mind our staring but
we`re surprised you`not in a fargone asylum
we`re surprised you didn`t crack up
lord knows that we would`ve
we would`ve liked to have been there
but you keep pushing us away
resilient you are
big time you are
ruthless you are
precious you are

(bkz: alanis morissette)
(bkz: supposed former infatuation junkie)

unsent

imgoindeeperunderground
dear matthew, i like you a lot.
i realize you`re in a relationship with someone right now,
and i respect that.
i would like you to know that if you`re ever single in the future,
and you want to come visit me in california,
i would be open to spending time with you,
and finding out how old you were when you wrote your first song.

dear jonathan, i liked you too much.
i used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me,
and think solely about themselves,
and you were plenty selfdestructive for my taste at the time.
i used to say the more tragic the better.
the truth is, whenever i think of the early 90`s,
your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday.

dear terrance, i love you muchly.
you`ve been nothing but open hearted,
and emotionally available and supportive,
and nurturing, and consummately there for me.
i kept drawing you in and pushing you away,
i remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch,
and cry in front of you for the first time.
you were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself.
what was wrong with me?

dear marcus, you rocked my world.
you had a charismatic way about you with the woman,
and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality.
and you wouldn`t let me get away with kicking my own ass.
but i could never really feel relaxed,
and looked out for around you, though,
and that stopped us from going any further than we did.
and it`s kinda too bad,
because we could`ve had much more fun.

dear lou, we learned so much.
i realize we won`t be able to talk for some time,
and i understand that as i do you.
the long distance thing was the hardest,
and we did as well as we could.
we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives.
i will always have your back and be curious about you,
about your career,
your whereabouts.

(bkz: alanis morissette)
(bkz: supposed former infatuation junkie)

the couch

imgoindeeperunderground
you hadn`t seen your father in such a long time.
he died in the arms of his lover.
how dare he?
your mother never left the house.
she never married anyone else,
you took it upon yourself to console her.

you reminded her so much of your father,
so you were banished
and you wonder why you`re so hypersensitive.
and why you can`t trust anyone but us.
but then how can i begin to forgive her?
so many years under bridges with dirty water.
she was foolish and selfish and cowardly if you ask me.

i don`t know where to begin in all my 50 odd years.
i have been silently suffering and adapting, perpetuating, and enduring.
who are you younger generation to tell me that i have unresolved problems?
not many examples of fruits of this type of excruciating labor.

how can you just throw words around like grieve and heal and mourn?
i feel fine, we may not have been born as awake as you were.
it was much harder in those days, we had paper routes uphill both ways.
we went from school to a job to wife to instant parenthood.

i walked into his office, i felt so selfconscious on the couch.
he was sitting down across from me, he was writing down his hypothesis.
i don`t know.
i`ve got a loving supportive wife who doesn`t know how involved she should get.
you say his interjecting was him just calling me on my shit?

just the other day, my sweet daughter, i was driving past 203.
i walked up the stairs in my mind`s eye.
i remember how they would creak loudly.
she was only responsive with a drink,
he was only responsive by photo.
i was only trying to be the best big brother i could.

i`ve walked sometimes confused sometimes ready to crack open wide.
sometimes indignant, sometimes raw.
can you imagine i pay him 75 dollars an hour sometimes?
it feels like highway robbery.
and sometimes it`s peanuts.
i wish it could last a couple more hours.

so here we both are battling similar demons (not coincidentally)
you see in getting beyond knowing it slowly intellectually,
you`re not relinquishing your majesty.
you are wise, you are warm, you are courageous, you are big.
and i love you more now than i ever have in my whole life.

(bkz: alanis morissette)
(bkz: supposed former infatuation junkie)

that i would be good

imgoindeeperunderground
that i would be good
even if i did nothing
that i would be good
even if i got the thumbs down

that i would be good
if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good
even if i gained `0 pounds

that i would be fine
even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good
if i lost my hair and my youth

that i would be great
if i was no longer queen
that i would be grand
if i was not all knowing

that i would be loved
even when i`m not myself
that i would be good
even when i am overwhelmed

that i would be loved
even when i was fuming
that i would be good
even if i was clinging

that i would be good
even if i lost sanity
that i would be good
whether with or without you

(bkz: supposed former infatuation junkie )
(bkz: alanis morissette)

thank u

imgoindeeperunderground
how `bout getting off these antibiotics
how `bout stopping eating when i`m full up
how `bout them transparent dangling carrots
how `bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how `bout me not blaming you for everything
how `bout me enjoying the moment for once
how `bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how `bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment i let go of it was the moment
i got more than i could handle
the moment i jumped off of it
was the moment i touched down

how `bout no longer being masochistic
how `bout remembering your divinity
how `bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how `bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence

yeah yeah
ahh ohhh
ahhh ho oh
ahhh ho ohhhhhh
yeaahhhh yeahh

(bkz: alanis morissette)
(bkz: supposed former infatuation junkie)
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