jack bauer

if jack bauer was in a room with hitler, stalin, and nina meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot nina twice
• upon hearing that he was played by kiefer sutherland, jack bauer killed sutherland. jack bauer gets played by no man.
• if you wake up in the morning, it’s because jack bauer spared your life.
• jack bauer’s calender goes from march 31st to april 2nd, no one fools jack bauer.
• when kim bauer lost her virginity, jack bauer found it and put it back.
• superman wears jack bauer pajamas.
• jack bauer once forgot where he put his keys. he then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
• if it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but jack bauer says its beef. then it’s f**king beef.
• lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because jack bauer does not feel like carrying you.
• jack bauer played russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
• 1.6 billion chinese are angry with jack bauer. sounds like a fair fight.
• when life gave jack bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. jack bauer f**king hates lemonade.
• jack bauer was never addicted to cocaine. cocaine was addicted to jack bauer.
• osama bin laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that jack bauer is, in fact, still alive.
• jack bauer once won a game of connect 4 in 3 moves.
• jack bauer is the leading cause of death in middle eastern men.
• jack bauer once double teamed a girl.......by himself.
• jack bauer doesn’t miss. if he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
• when jack bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
• there are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met jack bauer.
• jack bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. wait, that is a real fact.
• killing jack bauer doesn’t make him dead. it just makes him angry.
• the childrens game ’simon says" should be renamed to "jack bauer says" because if jack bauer says something then you better f**king do it.
• when you open a can of whoop-ass, jack bauer jumps out.
• jack bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. his second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
• jack bauer won the tour de france on a unicycle to prove to lance armstrong it wasn’t a big deal. he thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
• if rosa parks was in jack bauer’s seat, she’d move to the back of the bus.
• your attraction to jack bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
• you can lead a horse to water. jack bauer can make him drink.
• when google can’t find something, it asks jack bauer for help.
• in 96 hours, jack bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. what the f**k have you done with your life?
• jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. it took jack bauer less than an hour. and he’s done it twice.
• when the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for jack bauer.
• jack bauer got hellen keller to talk.
• jack bauer can get mcdonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
• guns don’t kill people, jack bauer kills people.
• every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< jack bauer".
• in kindergarten, jack bauer killed a terrorist for show and tell.
• jack bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 cia most wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in malaysia who downloaded the movie dodgeball.
• jack bauer has been to mars. thats why there’s no life on mars.
• if jack and macgyver were locked in a room together, jack would make a bomb out of macgyver and get out.
• people with amnesia still remember jack bauer.
• it would only take 1 bullet for jack bauer to kill 50 cent.
• if you spell jack bauer in a scrabble game, you win. forever.
• jack bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
• jack bauer has shot more men in the face than elton john.
• what color is jack bauer’s blood? trick question. jack bauer does not bleed.
• superman’s only weakness is kryptonite. jack bauer laughs at superman for having a weakness.
• jack bauer knows victoria’s secret.
• every time you masturbate jack bauer kills a terrorist. not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
• sun tzu once wrote, "if your enemy is weaker, conquer him. if he is stronger, join him. if he is jack bauer, you’re f**king dead."
• when jack bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
• if o.j. ever met jack bauer, he’d confess.
• if jack bauer was gay, his name would be chuck norris.
• no man has ever used the phrase, "jack bauer is a p#@sy" in a sentence and lived to tell the tale
• jack bauer does not sleep. the only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.
• the bumper sticker on jesus’s car reads, "wwjbd?"
• jack bauer makes onions cry.
• you walk into a bar and jack bauer’s your wingman, you’re probably gonna get laid

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