the bro code

article 1:
bros before hoes. always remember, girlfriends come and go, but your boys are always there. breaking this rule is to commit the cardinal sin against team testosterone.

article 2:
never drink the last beer, unless you’ve been granted specific permission that it’s ok.

article 3:
if a girl falls into the following criteria, she is off limits forever until the end of time:

a. was an ex-girlfriend.
b. your friend specifically told you he wanted her.
c. is you’re buddy’s sister.

however, if it’s your buddy’s cousin, well she’s up for grabs, and you’re welcome to rub it in his face for years to come.

article 4:
never diss a guy if his team just lost a crushing game.

article 5:
you must never own a cat.

new amendment to this rule: a bro may never own more than 2 cats, but only if they adhere to the bro code

article 6:
if you get 2 tickets to the big game, the priority list for granting the second ticket is as follows:

1. your best friends (in order of how long you’ve known them).
2. your acquaintances.
3. your co-workers.
4. the mailman.
5. the ups guy.
6. nasa.
7. john kerry.
....1,485,726. your girlfriend.

article 7:
you are allowed to enjoy exactly one chick tv show, and one chick flick. you may have no more.

article 8:
birthday and christmas presents for your guy friends are optional. beer always makes a great gift.

article 9:
if you go the bar with your buddies, you must buy a round of drinks at least once. the bro with the better paying job is required to buy the first round. if the other bro is temporarily out of money or left his wallet at home drinks can be lended yet in the long run these drinks must be repaid, later that night by wingman services or any other act of entertainment or at the next gathering.

article 10:
there are no mercy rules when playing someone in madden, hoops, street hockey, bare-fisted boxing, etc.

article 11:
if you owe someone money, pay them back as soon as humanly possible—unless it’s a gambling debt, which must be paid immediately.

article 12:
standard shotgun rules are as follows.

a. shotgun may only be called within full sight of the car.
b. shotgun must be called outside.
c. shotgun calls last approximately ten minutes.
d. shotgun never carries over to a second ride.

article 13:
no pda (public displays of affection).

article 14:
it’s alright to cheat at any game where money isn’t involved. in certain circumstances, relationships may be classified as "games."

article: 15:
don’t tell other guys elaborate stories about your weightlifting exercise routine. no one cares.

article 16:
never openly question another guy’s sports wisdom, unless said information specifically pertains to your favorite team.

article 17:
when out with the guys, never accept a call from your girlfriend—unless she’s dying or trapped under a burning fuel truck, and if that’s the case, make it quick.

article 18:
always allow a buffer zone at urinals and on couches.

article 19:
never share a bed with a guy, unless there’s no way around it.

article 20:
bros before hoes. i know, i already used it. i can’t stress it enough, though. it is absolutely infuriating how many of my guy friends have become insufferable ***** since they’ve gone out with someone.

article 21:
in a 6 person hot tub, there should be a maximum of 3 guys.

article 22:
a bro should not sing and dance at the same time

article 23:
a bro should not watch oxygen, womens entertainment, or lifetime.

article 24:
men do not lie about their age.

article 25:
a bro should not swing his arms when he is walking.

article 26:
a bro will, in a timely manner, alert his bro to the existence of a girl fight. a bro must never hesitate before communicating the possibility of fisticuffs between two humans of the female variety [[henceforth "girl fight"]], in an effort to make possible and probable that another bro or bros can partake in observation. a timely manner is open to interpretation based on the initial bro’s viewing and processing of the potential feminine conflagration. said bro must use any and all methods of media distribution at his disposal, including but not limited to: telecommunications, elbow nudging, fiber optics, the broney express, and postcards. if an informed bro is unable to witness the girl fight firsthand, the spotter bro is responsible for documenting and relating details of the girl fight via pictures, video*, or barring any other reasonable method, interpretive dance and/or pantomime. tabling bro obligations to witness a xx chromosomal scuffle is not only condoned, but encouraged, and in some cases, required. please refer to the brobligation rubric as elucidated in amendment 83: "the really hot sister and other hump trumps."

article 27:
a bro should never carry a woman’s handbag

article 28:
a bro should never go tanning.

article 29:
no bro should dye their hair

article 30:
a bro should never refer to an athlete as a "stud"

article 31:
a bro should never cry during a movie. in the event that he does, he must under no circumstance admit it to anyone other than a girl he is trying to score with.

article 32:
a bro should not "pop" his collar.

article 33:
a bro should not speak more than two languages.

unless

1. he has lived for a minimum of 9 months in a country whose main language is one of those languages
2. he uses the extra language as a means of picking up women who only speak that language
3. his job requires him to know more than 2 languages
4. it is a means of only to impress women and nothing else

if in the occurrence that a bro knows more than 2 languages, it is the given right for said bro to invite other bros to parties where this language is spoken, having said bro escort and be the official bilingual wingman.


article 34:
bro’s cannot make eye contact during a “devil’s threeway” (two dudes.)

article 35:
a bro should never say "it’s to die for"

article 36:
a bro should not wear a scarf without a jacket or coat.

article 37:
a bro should not wear an ascot.

article 38:
a bro should never use the following words: fantabulous, ginormous & fierce.

article 39:
a bro should never wrap a towel around his head after leaving the shower.

article 40:
a bro should never "sip" and alcoholic drink through a straw

article 41:
a bro should never wear a blouse.

article 42:
if you are not living with a girl you should not have tampons in your bathroom.

article 43:
a bro should not wear crocs.

article 44:
a bro should not wear a leotard or do pirouettes.

article 45:
a bro should never wear a sweater over his shoulders

article 46:
a bro should not eat grapes from the vines

article 47:
a bro should never rollerblade

article 48:
the word cute should not be used other then describing a chick they want to bone

article 49:
if you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

article 50:
a bro should never, ever wear capri pants.

article 51:
a bro should not wear flip flops with a suit.

article 52:
no bro should wear a speedo to the beach

article 53:
a bro will, whenever possible, provide his bro with protection. in the event that one bro finds himself lacking the necessary prophylactic accoutrements needed to complete the act of coitus in a safe and effective manner, he is in the right to expect his bro will use all measures within or without his means to provide the aforementioned prophylactic in a timely yet discreet fashion. when a bro signals his need using previously agreed upon code words and/or body signage, it is understood that his bro will discontinue all present activity [excepting the act of coitus itself [whereby which bro vows to finish as quickly as possible]], in order to respond with a panoply of options at bro-in-need’s location. a bro must patronize the most rapid method of transportation available while endeavoring to assist his bro. in no instance may a two-wheeled bicycle be used* as this is not only humiliating, but also potentially harmful to the perineum - a zone of tissue perilously adjacent to noted sexual organs. in the event that a state, federal, international, or galactic law is breached due to recklessness, unacceptable levels of speed, and/or the hijacking of an airborne vehicle(s), it is understood that the primary bro will shoulder any associated legal fees or fines. however, any costs or damages incurred from the use of public transportation are the responsibility of the secondary bro alone as this is an instance of quid pro bro. upon arrival at the primary bro’s location, the secondary bro must exercise complete discretion so as not to disrupt the primary bro’s "flow." it is understood that a bro will engage in all training necessary to achieve this objective, including, at minimum, a five month ninjitsu curriculum mastering the twin arts of stealth and secrecy.** once the primary bro has been supplied with the necessary prophylactic(s), the brocedure is deemed complete upon exchange of the traditional, though in this case silent, "high five." tacit in this unspoken ritual is the understanding that said episode will never be spoken of again, unless it’s part of an awesome story. * unless a bicycle is the only form of transportation, as in some cambodian villages